To say that I’m wise in my 12 years of motherhood is somewhat accurate, but so much of my wisdom is derived from the many mistakes I’ve made. Some of them I can remedy and improve upon now while my girls are the ages they are. Unfortunately, there are several mistakes I made when my girls were very little that I can’t fix. Since I can’t go back and try it again when they were young, the best thing I can do is help other moms learn from some of my biggest failures.

Picture this scenario: an adorable little girl starts her day playing with her kitchen, making breakfast for her sister and me. She cuts the pretend oranges and tomatoes, and displays them neatly next to the fried egg and cookie. She’s so proud of her meal and she can’t wait to serve it to me and Sister. After taking several "bites" of my food, I excuse myself to the kitchen to finish up with the real food cooking on the stove. While I’m away, my sweet girlies lose interest and decide they want to read books.

The book shelf in their play area contains all of the girls’ favorites, and they thumb through many of them daily. So, naturally when I come back into the living room, both girls are sitting on the floor “reading.” Lillie loves Dora, so she reads one about the grumpy old troll, who loves under the bridge. It reminds her that Boots and Dora are still sitting on her bed from last night, so she abandons her book to go play with them. Meanwhile, Toddler Evy with a 5-minute attention span has moved onto her baby dolls. About that time, I hear the washer stop, so I go put the clothes into the dryer.

The day continues on like this until dinner time, and Daddy is almost home. This is the girls’ favorite part of the day, because he is the human jungle gym. After the girls get in some solid play time, it’s finally time for dinner, and we sit down as a family. The kitchen still needs to be cleaned from dinner, and the girls need to get ready for bed. It’s been a good day, but I’m warn out. Jeff gets the girls ready for bed while I clean the kitchen. As I’m wrapping up and heading to the back of the house to check on the girls, I see it…the day’s worth of toys. Everywhere.

The best thing to do in that moment is to have the girls come out and help clean up, since the mess belongs to them, but honestly, I can get it done so much faster on my own. I forego the good parenting moment in favor of a more speedy bedtime and peace and quiet.

This scenario has evolved as the girls have gotten older. Instead of toys, it’s wet towels, dirty clothes, school junk, primping supplies and dirty dishes. As a mom of two tween-aged girls, I wish I could go back in time and not allow them to walk away from their messes. From the early days, when they were old enough to toddle around and play with toys, I should have been teaching them through positive reinforcement that you only walk away after everything is back in its place. Here is what I wish I would have done:

  1. If I’m actively playing with the girls, and they want to move onto something else, I’d cheerfully insist and assist in putting away their current toys. I’d praise them enthusiastically for taking such good care of their toys.
  2. If I’m not in the room when they are playing, and they move onto something else, I would establish a clean-up time before each meal, snack time and bed time, so that there are several opportunities for picking up throughout the day.
  3. I would seek out opportunities to offer up high praise for when they pick-up without being prompted to do so. I’m not good with keeping up with charts, but if I were, I’d have one that tracks the times they pick up without being prompted, and a reward is given when they reach a certain number.
  4. I would start when Lillie was still a toddler of creating a culture of teamwork within our household. I would continually remind the girls that our home is special, and we all need to work to keep it looking nice. We must all work together to take care of every part of it, not just our own belongings.
  5. I would reinforce basic principles of picking up after routine activities like changing clothes, taking a bath, brushing teeth and hair. I would show the girls where each item has a home and praise them when they keep it there.
  6. Most importantly, I would be conscientious about not bailing them out of their personal responsibilities when it comes to making messes. Yes, I can tidy up way faster and more effectively, but they suffer from lack of personal responsibility when I step in and do it for them.

It's important to try and remain upbeat and postitive throughout the whole process. Picking up is a chore, but it's so much easier to get little ones to do it when we parents remain cheerful about it. I wish I would have done a better job of remaining encouraging and praising them openly for the little things. Over the years, this positive reinforcement will be what sticks with your kids. They will also learn to appreciate how good a tidy space feels. As they mature, they will eventually make the connection that putting things away right away means less picking up later on. I'm sure my mother taught this to me when I was little, but it didn't stick. As an adult, I still have a bad habit of setting things down and waiting until later. If we as parents fight this good fight, I have to believe it will take root and produce a lifetime good habit.

Now that my girls are 10 and 12, I’m trying to give them more independence. They make their own breakfast and lunches most days, which means messes in the kitchen. Personal hobbies and interests have replaced toys, but those hobbies come with messes: used cotton balls stained with nail polish, slime, and painting supplies are a constant struggle to get put away the first time. I like to think that if I had done my job back when they were little, I wouldn’t have to say on a daily basis, “hey Evy, come put your lunch stuff away,” or “Lillie, please don’t leave dirty dishes in your room.” For the most part, my girls have a good attitude about it, but picking up after themselves is definitely not a well-formed habit. It takes constant diligence on mine and Jeff’s part to remind them to clean up after themselves.

Messes and clutter are inevitable, but it’s way easier to teach kids when they’re young and impressionable. Please don’t make the mistakes I made. Teach your young ones, and praise them often for the simplest of efforts made. Empower them through encouragement to be proud of their accomplishments. It will pay off in droves when they are older!