Several weeks ago, I started a series of writings focused on helping moms of young(er) children make better decisions than I made when my girls were little. I wrote about consistently expecting my girls to pick up after themselves and how I failed to implement that practice when they were young. Picking up isn’t the only source of inconsistency in my parenting.

Clearly Define Rules and Consequences

I wish that I could sit here and testify to my personal success of defining rules and the plan for what happens if the rules are broken. When it comes to discipline, too many times I shot from the hip and created wishy washy expectations that led to inconsistent parenting.

Two years ago, my daughter’s psychologist introduced us to a parenting program called Positive Parenting with a Plan, and it has opened mine and Jeff’s eyes to just how inconsistent we’ve been. The premise is simple: Create the rules of the household that everyone is to follow, write them down and post them in several obvious places. The consequences for breaking a rule are explicitly stated, and we are to have weekly family meetings to go over the rules and consequences. If the girls have periods of time with no broken rules, or they demonstrate random acts of kindness, they earn tokens that equate to prizes of their choosing.

We are TRYING to stick to the program, and we see numerous good results from it. I can’t help but wonder though, how much better early childhood would have been for the girls if we had hard fast rules and a structured discipline system in place. With my perfect 20/20 hind sight, I plainly see there would have been fewer power struggles, and I would have been more evenly tempered with handling their acts of defiance. I’m convinced that a consistent discipline system would have helped build confidence and trust, knowing exactly where the boundaries were, and the benefits of starting early would have made parenting during this tween period a little easier.

One painful reality of a nebulous discipline system is that my reaction to the girls wasn’t always the same for the same offenses. Sometimes I’d come at them with my best mommy lecture, other times I’d overreact and lose my temper, and other times I’d let the disobedience go. My girls were robbed of having confidence built upon consistent cause and effect, and it created anxiety. For my oldest, who is my head strong and independent one, she often times felt the brunt of my inconsistencies, because she is a natural stove toucher and button pusher. She got more lectures and heat from our flared tempers, and she rarely got to experience the good behavior awards for making good decisions.

Be Encouraging!

It is crucial that when your young one (or older one) makes a good decision, you are very quick to praise her. Not the fake kind that is oozing with patronizing words, but the genuine kind that is targeted at her specific job well-done!

  • “Hey, thank you for putting your clothes in the hamper without me reminding you.”
  • “I appreciate you helping me fold these towels. It’s a big help to me.”
  • “I’m really proud of the way you used kind words to ask your sister to give you your doll back. Good job!”

I don’t care who you are, attagirl or attaboy words of encouragement make a huge difference. For kids who are impulsive in their actions and their emotions, tapping into the positive side of parenting reaps better results. These kids beat themselves up, feeling like aren't good, so why even try. Habitually finding ways to highlight the good things they do spurs them on to more good behavior and attitudes. They feel empowered to make good things happen for themselves by their own good choices. Frankly, this is a much stronger movivator than any punishment, so make it your go-to.

Looking back on the priceless early years of my girls' lives, I can hardly recall moments of defiance and disrespect. I know they happened, but all I can think about is how much I want to wrap that precocious first born ball of energy in my arms and give her a big hug and kiss. I would give anything to sit and watch Evy methodically arrange every single one her puppies while procrastiniating from going to bed. Bad behavior is fleeting, and it does not define the true nature and character of your children. They are precious! They just need us to be consistent when their inevitable bad decisions pop up.