I’m 40!

Yesterday I turned 40 years old. It was a great day. My wonderful husband and girls went out of their way to make me feel pampered and special, and they succeeded! From the amazing meals Jeff fixed to the spa day the girls gave me, my sweet family made sure I felt special.

This was no small feat, considering the circumstances surrounding this day. Let’s be honest, who wants to celebrate this milestone in quarantine? Not me, and I felt cheated. There were no parties or getting gussied up to have a night out with friends. My in-laws drove over and we stood in the driveway in masks so they could wish me happy birthday! Not exactly my idea (or theirs) of feeling special. Knowing this would be my reality for this birthday, I struggled with my attitude all week. A birthday party was replaced by one big pity party for one. My grandiose moment to ring in my 40s felt like a failure.

On the eve of my 40th, I was about to close my laptop, and the wallpaper (which changes daily) was Lillie and me. It was a snapshot taken by Jeff within my first month of motherhood. It was taken first thing in the morning, and this was my absolute favorite part of the day with her. She and I would lay there for quite awhile and sometimes fall back asleep. The moment he captured was one of total contentment and fulfillment. I was a mother, and I was totally smitten with this precious, tiny angel lying next to me. There was no doubt in my mind that I was exactly who I wanted to be at that moment. I was a wife and mother.

I needed that image to be seared on my brain as I closed the chapter on my 30s. For whatever reason, I’ve always believed that milestones need to be met with monumental markers in time. Bringing in my 40s meant I needed to be at the pinnacle of achievement in my life. I’ve mastered life up to this point, with an amazing career, being in tiptop shape, reaching new heights in spiritual maturity, and finally figuring out how to excel at adulting. Let’s just say, that I’ve fallen short of this level of success, and I felt defeated.

Most of 2020 has turned out to be a lesson in compromise and adaptation. I’ve been cooped up with the same 4 people nonstop since early March, and let’s face it, we’re in for many more months too. My birthday is a reminder of the fact that my life is all about coping with unmet expectations, at least this with what I was wrestling with leading up to the eve of my 40th.

Glancing at that pic of Lillie and me from almost 13 years ago is exactly the image I needed. God delivered THE birthday gift I needed most, a reminder of my life’s values. That photo represents a turning point of when I chose to prioritize what will consume my time. Motherhood and full-time homemaking have been a life-long goal long before I even met Jeff. Yes, I went to college and pursued a degree, but I chose teaching as a means to an end. I always knew I’d stay home and be fully present as long as God would allow me to financially do so. Praise be to him that Jeff has a job that allows me to live out this dream. I am doing what I’ve always wanted to do!

I’ve spent the past two days soul-searching for the reason for my pre-40 disappointment, and I’ve figured it out. My whole life, I’ve struggled with falling victim to the comparison trap. I look at other women around my age, and I allow their achievements to be my litmus test for success. I’m a failure and my life is less than fulfilling because I’m not flourishing at motherhood, homemaking, but also in a career. I’m not pulling in an income using a God-given skill set to enrich my life. I’ve settled for just motherhood. For whatever reason, I have allowed outward influences to diminish the importance of my life’s work. This is very wrong, and I'm grateful to God for this awakening as I start this new life decade.

For many years now, I’ve prayed for wisdom in how I approach life. God has shown me that to be successful, I must pare down my priorities. I have always had ADHD tendencies, and when I take on too much, everything suffers. God knows that succeeding in my home life is a top priority for me, so it’s no wonder that I’ve resisted ambitions to pursue a career outside of the home. There is one truth I’m taking into my future: my girls are 10 and 12, and let’s face it, the remaining years with them under this roof are racing by. I already feel like I have so many things I want to do with them and teach them. Preparing them to leave home and enter the world as strong, indepentent and godly women takes priority. I will struggle more if I take on too much and lose sight of this priority.

There are many women out there who can do more. They are amazing moms, wives and career women. Maybe someday, after my girls have moved on from this house, I can set my sights on career opportunities then, but for now, I now know that my 40s will be a continuation of the groundwork laid in my 30s. This is wisdom, and it’s my gift to myself as I move forward. Even if it takes a daily reminder, I’m going to refrain from comparing my life to others. I am me. I am Gracie, and I wholehearted and exclusively choose motherhood and homemaking for the next several years. This is no failure, but a successful path laid out by God himself. He gave me Jeff, Lillie and Evy, and then he gave me the means to be a full-time presence in their lives. It’s an honor and a gift, and I am profoundly blessed!

To all the mothers out there, I offer this encouragement for you too: you are an amazing mom! Don’t look to the mom on your left or right to determine your worth. Your love and devotion to your family is a priceless legacy. We need to stop believing the lie that who we are isn’t enough. I AM ENOUGH, and so are you!